My cats are such annoyances
 
Oh why must they be such pests
And climb up where they aren't really wanted
When it's not convenient
And sleep in places I need to be?

Because they want to remind me that they love me
And that I need them so

Learning Spanish

So there I was, about to turn fifteen years old and sitting in a room of virtual strangers, trying to figure out what was being said.  Two years of middle school Spanish, which I had failed, did not prepare me for being totally on my own amongst teenage females who spoke about as much English as I did Spanish.  I was definitely not prepared. 

Photo of the youth taken 1997, 2 years after I started visiting this part of Mexico.

I had agreed to come on this trip having fallen in love with this place only a few months before.  Then I was with other American teenagers who barely spoke Spanish as well as translators, so I could at least be able to make my needs and wants known.  This weekend trip was different, as by this point in the evening my translators had retired to their own borrowed rooms and I had to rely on my own wits to get me through the night in my own borrowed bed with my new, albeit temporary, roommates.

There were several girls talking and laughing.  I stuck out like a sore thumb, the only blond gringa in a group of dark haired Mexicans.  I felt helpless, as I spoke about 5 words of Spanish well.  The girls must have sensed my discomfort, for one of them, Patti, held out a banana and asked me something in Spanish.  I thought she was giving me a Spanish lesson, so I tried to search my mind for the correct word for banana.

“Es plat… es plantan… plantano, si?” I asked, feeling completely dumb as I stumbled over my words.

Patti shook her head and thought for a moment. “No, you want?” She asked in English, before repeating in Spanish, “quieres?”

“Oh! No, gracias” I replied.  “No me gusta.”   I was telling her I didn’t like it, which was the truth, since I have never liked bananas.

Thus began my Spanish lessons.  While I learned to write and conjugate verbs in high school Spanish courses in my California hometown, I learned to speak it in a tiny town in Mexico, at a home for needy and abused children in Baja California, four hours’ drive from my parents’ home.  I spent several weekends, parts of summers and many a week living and breathing Spanish as spoken in that part of the world, gaining the unique accent that comes from that town.  Soon I was translating for others, a position I found myself in well into my college years and for years after.  And I loved it.   I became nearly fluent in the language, and sometimes had full dreams in Spanish

The children and staff, Christmas 1998

But then, I moved to Iowa.  Yes, there are Spanish speakers here, but their dialect is different.  Their words are faster and they don’t take the time for me to translate their words in my head before becoming impatient with me, so I am more self-conscious of how I speak.  Many don’t even know I understand most of what they are saying as I hear them in certain parts of town.

Yet, when I chat online with the kids that I met and grew up with at that children’s home, as I read their statuses on Facebook and get messages from them, I am once again renewed in my love for the language and my wish to regain the fluency with which I once spoke.

As I wrote this tonight, I recalled a poem, the ONLY poem I had ever memorized in Spanish.   It was a poem by Luis Alberto Ambroggio, "Aprender al ingles" or "Learning English", which was translated into English by Lori M. Carlson.   The first stanza always spoke to me, and even tonight it speaks to me.  Click here for an English translation of the poem.

So if you see me online and you want to strike up a conversation in Spanish, let me know.  I'll be glad to get back into the practice of the second language that I love so much.

I am a Christian

I am a Christian.

I am tired of people trying to put me into their vision of what that means.

 Some examples - these are things people have actually said to me:
  "I'd think a Protestant Christian would agree...."
 "You know, Christians are only concerned with..."
 
 You want to know what I think about a subject?  Then ask me.  Don't assume that I have a stance on something just because the media or "society" or your own personal biases tell you that some stereotypical Christian should.  I choose who I want to vote for, what I want to believe and how I want to think because I was given the same free will as everyone else.  Hello, remember, that human thing called free will.

That said, I am a moderate conservative who is Pro-Choice, Pro-Gay rights, and Pro-Education. WHO or WHAT I vote for is my own business.  What I believe about the various social issues that affect the world today is between me and God.


I chose to be a Christian in 1995 in the summer between my eighth grade year and high school.  I had been going to church with my parents for a few years before then, but it wasn't until I stepped out from their shadow and started to do my own thing that I really started to see what had been taught to me by my parents and those at church.  It wasn't until then that I experienced God for myself. 

I can recall the moment I felt touched by God and knew that this was what I would believe for the rest of my life.  It was on my very first trip to Mexico.  I went there with the youth group from my church.  My mom practically had to force me to go, because I didn't want to go.  Towards the end of the trip, I was having fun, but was totally out of my element.  The last day, as we were getting ready to leave, a light seemed to touch me and I felt a presence that couldn't be described.  I didn't start speaking in tongues or anything, but I knew that I had felt God's presence in my life.  And looking back on those times, I know now that God had been with me before then.

My walk with God has been a series of comings and goings.... every time I think I can do things on my own, he reminds me in his own way that I still need him.  I have tried to turn from God, but have found that I can't.  There's a connection that I have with him that no other one or no other thing can fill the void.  Some may call that a crutch, but I call it having faith in something larger then myself.

My faith has been shaken many times. For four years I tried to hide my light under a bushel for fear of offending people - I didn't want my non-Christian friends, most of whom have been hurt by Christians, to turn away and not befriend me anymore.   Before that, it was Christians themselves who caused me some faith shaking in what I perceived to be ostracism because "square" me didn't fit into their "round" peg of what a Christian should be.  Before that,. it was my own doubts that I couldn't be "good enough."  And each time, God has whispered in my ear, reminding me that he knew who I was before I was even formed.  I was welcomed back into his presence over and over and over again.  Each time, I felt like I was coming home.

What I believe is simple: I believe that Jesus is the Son of God sent down to reconcile any who choose to come back to God with the Father himself.  I believe in God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  I believe that the Bible is written by man and inspired by the Holy Spirit.  I also strongly believe that Jesus taught of love; love for EVERYONE no matter what they believe or do and I try to live up to that command, though I know I fail miserably.

So please get to know me before trying to fit me into your belief about what a Christian should be or what they should do.  

"The problem with stereotyping is not so much a racial problem as it is a problem of limited knowledge and perspective." -Vine Deloria Jr   

I went to a butterfly garden to see the beauty therein

Brilliant flowers of various shades graced me with their presence

Even though they were still showing of their majesty....

 Fall was starting to leave its mark on the flowers

 Though a moth was the only winged friend to visit, the beauty was there

 

 Even in the pond where a few frogs were enjoying the sunshine

I went to a butterfly garden and found nature in all of its majesty

Poppies
Poppies
Poppies!

Slowly trickling
Suddenly downpour rushing
Thunderstorm in June

The sea
The sea is calling me.
Calling me home

The desert comes alive

  

In so many different ways

 

And in so many different colors

 

How beautiful it seems

 

When the desert dreams

Stressing out
Is a way of life
For one like me

Sometimes I got to put my trust
In a higher being
But I can't seem to let go
And lose control

This stress is overwhelming at times
But I know
It will make me stronger
In the long run if I don't lose myself first

I can make it
I will be all right
Has become my mantra
In this struggle of balancing my fears and worries
Against real life issues and hopes

I can make it
I will be all right
If I trust in God
I can make it
I will be all right
If I trust in Him and let go of the wheel

He has never let me down
And yet still I cling to the worry
The stress
The struggles that I can't control
That which makes me not able to sleep

I can make it
I will be all right
I can make it
I will be all right


Let go

My message to a family member

You don’t answer when I call to say hello

And then lament that no one cares for you

You say no one will give you thought

If you up and left or died

Even though I send you notes and messages and texts that go unanswered

You say you have no family

And never return a thing I have to give

And yet I keep giving

Hoping one day you’ll get the hint

That you can’t push me away

I’m here for you

No matter what

I don’t care what you’ve done in your life

The good and the bad

All I care

Is how happy you could be

If you’d only realize

You have family who cares

You frustrate me, push me away, think I'll leave you alone

But I am that damned stubborn

I won't leave

I'll keep pestering you

Even when the mail comes back

Undeliverable

Return to sender

No forwarding address

I'll keep writing 

And pestering you with emails and messages and texts

Until you get the hint

I am not going away

I will be here for you

Because there's a bond that holds us together

That can never be broken

No matter what

 

Spring is here, though early in bloom

Summer will be here oh so very soon

The flowers show off their pretty colors

The baby animals are born to mothers

Harken of Spring show us your ways

And stay with us for many a day

Sometimes I wonder if having people in my life is even worth the heartache.
Am I really meant to be a loner?

Satrurday morning
it is too early
for me
to wake up
but for little kitten
it is just right
and so

I must wake up
to feed him

Everyone else seems to be moving and I seem to be standing still

Friends become enemies, so why can't enemies become friends?

Isn't it amazing

How something as simple as a flower

Can be so beautiful?

Summer is waning

Autumn is waiting

To take hold

To have its brief moment

Before Winter arrives

To freeze us all again

Early spring in the Midwest:

So early yesterday I looked out to see....

Instead of rain, it was snowing

Winter said "Ha!" to the Midwest

And brought another storm to us

But what is this, by afternoon

No snow should appear Only puddles of water

As Spring said to Winter, "you have no hold here"

(Photos taken out a classroom window before and after school)

Family

That little word

means so much

to many

especially

when you find

long lost

members

Spring is in the air
I can feel it
Soon the biting cold wind
The chill of the snow
Will give way to fresh erth
Green
Growing
Life

The wind calls to me to come and play, but I cannot answer. My work lies ahead of me, reminding of my duty. If only.....